Ok.

Wait,…no..

Ok.

We had a birthday ice cream social today at 1:15pm in the conference room. They do this group birthday thing every month for all the birthdays of that month. I hate having to fake being social at work so that you don’t become the weirdo non-social outcast of the department.

But in my defense, I am a germ-a-phobe and a very picky eater….I DON’T go to these group food functions (also known to me as Germ Fest 2005) because I KNOW how I am. I know someone is going to try to shove something I don’t want on my plate and I am going to say something “not so nice.” If that does not happen, someone will inevitably ask me why I am not eating ice cream and I am going to have to tell them:

-I don’t eat ice cream

-I don’t eat things that my co-workers fix in the privacy of their homes

-I don’t eat from houses of people with cats

-I don’t like strawberries, blueberries, peaches and half the fruit that exists on this earth.

….and then they will inevitably look at me like I am a freak.

See, I save everyone the looks by just not going. But not this time…back to the story…

Well, I was not going to eat anything..because people had brought things they made from home….uh no. Then, I saw the store bought cake so I figured I would get just a tiny piece of that. But then I was thinking;

“Self? (talking to myself) Do we want cake?”

“No, (I answer to myself).”

I will be good and not eat anything sweet and just sit around and socialize until I have had enough of these people and can go back to my desk with out someone asking me where I was going…” So I am about ready to stop smiling in my co-workers faces and go back to my desk to be productive when all of a sudden, one of the organizers sees that I do not have anything in my hands and she began to corral me towards the sweets troth to get something…so I reluctantly get up and grab a plate. There were two people in front of me. They both pile the fresh fruit, (strawberries and blueberries) on their plates with cake, ice cream and pie. The person in front of me gets vanilla ice cream. The server lady scoops out a nice big scoop for him and he grins in anticipation of smashing the cake and ice cream together for a special treat.

As he walks away, server lady commences to take four of her fingers and place them in her mouth, one after another, sucking off left over ice cream. I try to fix my face in hopes that I have not already given away on my face, the horror I feel in my heart as I watch her place her fingers in her mouth, KNOWING she is about to serve me next.

“Self? Did you just see that ***t?!?!!”

“Yes Self. Yes, I did.”

Mom, you would be so proud of me.

I fixed my face, watched her slice me a small piece of cake and take those same licked fingers and place them on the other side of my cake to place it in my little paper bowl. I smiled and said, “Thank you.” (Self: “Run!”) and (“Run!”) walked as calmly (“Run!”), as I could to the other side of the conference room and out the door, across the hall to my desk area and immediately placed the bowl into the trash can. My heart was still racing from the Freddy Krueger-like scare she gave me by licking her fingers.

See why I don’t go to departmental social functions??!!!