Ok.

Wait,…no..

Ok.

We had a birthday ice cream social today at 1:15pm in the conference room. They do this group birthday thing every month for all the birthdays of that month. I hate having to fake being social at work so that you don’t become the weirdo non-social outcast of the department.

But in my defense, I am a germ-a-phobe and a very picky eater….I DON’T go to these group food functions (also known to me as Germ Fest 2005) because I KNOW how I am. I know someone is going to try to shove something I don’t want on my plate and I am going to say something “not so nice.” If that does not happen, someone will inevitably ask me why I am not eating ice cream and I am going to have to tell them:

-I don’t eat ice cream

-I don’t eat things that my co-workers fix in the privacy of their homes

-I don’t eat from houses of people with cats

-I don’t like strawberries, blueberries, peaches and half the fruit that exists on this earth.

….and then they will inevitably look at me like I am a freak.

See, I save everyone the looks by just not going. But not this time…back to the story…

Well, I was not going to eat anything..because people had brought things they made from home….uh no. Then, I saw the store bought cake so I figured I would get just a tiny piece of that. But then I was thinking;

“Self? (talking to myself) Do we want cake?”

“No, (I answer to myself).”

I will be good and not eat anything sweet and just sit around and socialize until I have had enough of these people and can go back to my desk with out someone asking me where I was going…” So I am about ready to stop smiling in my co-workers faces and go back to my desk to be productive when all of a sudden, one of the organizers sees that I do not have anything in my hands and she began to corral me towards the sweets troth to get something…so I reluctantly get up and grab a plate. There were two people in front of me. They both pile the fresh fruit, (strawberries and blueberries) on their plates with cake, ice cream and pie. The person in front of me gets vanilla ice cream. The server lady scoops out a nice big scoop for him and he grins in anticipation of smashing the cake and ice cream together for a special treat.

As he walks away, server lady commences to take four of her fingers and place them in her mouth, one after another, sucking off left over ice cream. I try to fix my face in hopes that I have not already given away on my face, the horror I feel in my heart as I watch her place her fingers in her mouth, KNOWING she is about to serve me next.

“Self? Did you just see that ***t?!?!!”

“Yes Self. Yes, I did.”

Mom, you would be so proud of me.

I fixed my face, watched her slice me a small piece of cake and take those same licked fingers and place them on the other side of my cake to place it in my little paper bowl. I smiled and said, “Thank you.” (Self: “Run!”) and (“Run!”) walked as calmly (“Run!”), as I could to the other side of the conference room and out the door, across the hall to my desk area and immediately placed the bowl into the trash can. My heart was still racing from the Freddy Krueger-like scare she gave me by licking her fingers.

See why I don’t go to departmental social functions??!!!

"GOTGZUS?" That is what the license plate on the shiny new Mercedes,...uhm...something class, said in the parking lot at the HT today. I saw it as I walked from the parking lot inside the grocery store. At first, I did not think much of it...but for some reason, as I walked around the store with my orange sherbert in one hand and walnuts in the other, heading for the self check out, (a wonderful invention I might add)....it stuck with me... If you have to spell Jesus with a "G",....wouldn't it just be better to find something else to put on your license plate?

So Sunday I had brunch with A. He was "I", height in the 6-footers,…slim build, cute. A plays golf and used to teach golf. He is a senior consultant with a local company and hospital. Very cool….very nice…a definite repeat.

I also had lunch at P on Sunday with K. He was "B", is decent looking, a mush mouth, shorter than I expected, talks really loud (but so does A…in a different way), kind of rude and interrupts you while you are talking, did not even offer to pay for my food, bought his food while I was still in the bathroom, and then I had to sit across from him during the whole lunch/early dinner and watch spit form in the corners of his mouth (along with mayo, bread, lettuce and lemonade) while we talked and ate. The conversation was really really hard. Ever talked to someone who not only thought they knew more than you, but thought they knew more than you about a specific topic and then began to drive in into the ground trying to explain every little detail to you?,..EVEN THOUGH you mention on several occasions that you not only understand BUT you also have knowledge of the topic???? THAT is what he did….THE ENTIRE LUNCH…EVERY TOPIC WE TALKED ABOUT. I could tell that he is NOT used to talking to women wiht an opinion on ANYthing. Every time I would try and kind of get him off himself by referring to something that I related the current topic to or something we had in common(as in “Yeah, I know what you mean, I to have done…blah blah or I know a little on….blah blah…”) he would tell me I did not understand like he did and go right back to the 3^rd grade explanation.

Then! As if his rudeness was not enough…at some point in time he must have thought enough of my skills to realize I might be an assest to him…and the conversation turned from HIM, to how I could partner up with him to do some work!!!

By the end of lunch/early dinner, I was tired of him, tired of trying to avoid looking at the spit in the corners of his mouth, tired of trying to strain to listen to him carefully enough to understand him and the mush, tired of him interrupting me and talking down to me. K, being oblivious to it all…was just sitting around looking like he was next in line for a vastectomy, (that is, once he stopped talking and realized I never started...). I was so ready to go I could have ran out of P. Straight up SPRINTED.

Moral of the story? Dont double date on the Lord's day....you are guaranteed that at least ONE of the instances,..the outcome is going to be BAD.

Ok. I am supposed to be working right now. I know this. But I cant help it. I just cant help it. http://www.wagenschenke.ch/ is ADDICTIVE. Now that I have FINALLY figured out how to keep the poor little drunk man UP RIGHT,...I cannot get enough of this,...this,...is this a game? Would it be considered a game? I mean you keep playing to get a higher score don't you? I don't know if you get the chance to post your name at the end of the game as a high scorer,...because I never get that far......but you can "bes' belieze" I will keep trying....I WILL keep trying...

So I am now an ordained minister. The Universal Life Church has provided me with the means to spread love, joy and strengthen the institution of marriage by becoming a minister in a few easy steps. I first heard about this from Joey on Friends, then Bob become one, did a few marriages and I was determined I was going to marry SOMEONE. So I did the search, filled out the form and voila! It even give you the option to kit a "church in a box", complete with a certificate and all.....I don't know if this is the beginning of something good, or the end of the church as we know it...ha ha ...am I going to hell?.....was I already on the short bus there? (lol)

Its a little after 8am, I really was thirsty from the early morning HEAT we seem to be experiencing so I drive up the the CFA drive thru and roll down my window to place my order. All of a sudden, this frothy, phone sex, lustful voice comes over the intercom, (in my best 1-900 girl voice) "Welcome to Chick Fil A, how may I help you? (big lustful sigh)"..... ........I was so shocked I could not get the words "sweat tea please" out of my mouth for a second, then I realized I WAS at the drive thru.... "uh, a sweet tea please and that's all." (lustful, frothy, 1-900 number voice replies...) "$1.32 please, drive up." I turned the corner to pull up to the window...I felt violated....I need a shower... The voice did not improve once I drove up to the drive thru and she saw I was a female. Maybe she was practicing for her new job on the date hotline, ...or maybe she was sick and her voice was leaving her.... ........naaah....she was trying to have sex in the chick fil a drive thru.